sorry but if you like Lebron now you're a bigger bitch than Lebron

So how boring has life been since football ended for everyone else? It's almost as if the TV gods schedule programming around me because this much Bachelor, Kardashians and Girls would not be possible during football season.

Meanwhile, I spend every day waiting for that "BREAKING: Sources confirm Wes Welker and New England Patriots have agreed to a blah blah lots of millions blah" tweet. Like please, Bob Kraft, stop making us Massholes suffer and give him whatever the fuck he wants. You're a liar we all know right before Brady signed that new deal he was like c'mon Bobby give that little nugget his money. Wes should send Gisele into Kraft's office god knows that woman gets shit done. No one fucks with Gisele. I really don't know what I'll do if this deal doesn't get done. I guess this is what happens to you when you name your pet after an athlete...

A minor annoyance during this offseason so far has been Joe Flaccid (type Flacco into an iPhone and see what it autocorrects to) getting his gazillion dollar contract. It took me a good day or so to really let it set in that someone in the universe really woke up one day and was like "yeah you know what, that's a great idea give this man $120.6 million dollars"

"I'm the highest paid NFL player ever and I have a Fu Manchu mustache" 

Seriously what is Flacco going to use as motivation now that he finally got his contract? It's not like he actually cares about anything else besides himself. 

While we're on the Ravens, does Terrell Suggs have to keep forcing us to pay attention to him and his gums? If you missed anything he said or just don't give a shit what Terrell Suggs said read about how he "guarantees the other 31 teams hate the New England Patriots". Again, not sure why we need all the teams to like us. It's the NFL not the Bachelor house. We get it, you're sick of hearing about how good the Patriots are. That must be so exhausting for you. And I know you think all 31 other teams hate the Patriots but why don't you ask Ed Reed how he feels? 

But really, are those gum implants?

I really just think what the world has been missing since football ended is Gronk. Where the fuck has Gronk even been? Besides a few expensive bar tabs and shirtless dancing in Vegas, there has definitely been a lack of Gronk so far. I know it's only March but I expected more from you Gronk. Starting to miss you just as much as I miss that other tight end on the Patriots...

I've haven't been watching a ton of basketball lately because it's really not as fun when the Lakers suck.   Nothing good even happens except when Kobe has a highlight throwback dunk or Serge Ibaka hits someone in the balls.

Ugh, Kobe has this unbelievable talent for being extremely cocky and arrogant but being honest and 100% correct at the same time. I think it has something to do with plays like this:

Honestly he's so right comparing himself to a fine wine because for me, he's definitely getting better with age. "Old" Kobe is quickly rivaling 17 year old Kobe for my favorite version of Kobe. If I ever develop a debilitating knee injury, I'm definitely heading to Germany for whatever surgery Kobe had. Those German knees have to be bionic or something. Maybe Kobe's recent success has to do with Queen of the Gold Diggers Vanessa Bryant. Either Kobe's been keeping it in his pants lately or Vanessa got her hands on the black card because they've never looked happier and he's never been better.

I focus so much on Kobe mostly because I love him more than any other athlete in the world but also because I'm still so sick of hearing about Lebron. I get it, we've all stopped calling Lebron a bitch because he finally won 1 ring (10 years later....) but if you actually like Lebron, you are a bitch. I feel like most of us are walking around with a deep hatred of Lebron that's only being suppressed since he's been playing out of his mind lately. No one denies that Lebron is a good basketball player, he's just so douchey and wears the weirdest shit that you have to hate him. If you root for Lebron James/have a Lebron James jersey/are a Miami Heat fan I have no respect for you.

I'm sorry but WTF is this

I'd like to smash this violin over your head Lebron

And now I go back to refreshing my Twitter feed every 5 seconds looking for that Wes Welker tweet...