Guide to Surviving the Superbowl

If you're not a girl who actually likes sports yet, you made need a few tips for getting through today without sounding like you are only watching for the Beyonce concert and a few commercials. No one is more annoying at a Superbowl party than the girl yelling at everyone to be quiet during commercial breaks and chatting it up during the actual game. For me getting through the Superbowl will consist of Patron shots and watching clips from the Puppy Bowl so I don't go on a verbal rant about how Ray Lewis.

OK here are some things you may hear about today and what you need to know

Ray Lewis: The biggest story of the day is Ravens defensive player Ray Lewis (#52 or the guy always crying on the sidelines). He has played in the NFL for 17 years and this will be his last game. Grown men have been weeping for weeks in sadness that Ray Lewis is retiring, praising him as a spiritual, inspirational leader but what's important to note is that 13 years ago after his last Superbowl win, he stabbed and murdered 2 people in Atlanta. Basically, he agreed to a plea agreement that he would rat on his friends to get rid of the charges. So when you see him crying on the sidelines later, don't feel too too bad. And if you're a Patriots fan, you should love nothing more than to see him crying tears of sadness after losing a Superbowl in his last game.

"The Har-Bowl": So since God obviously cares about the NFL according to Ray Lewis and every other football player out there, it was in the cards this year for the two brothers head coaches, Jim and Jon Harbaugh, to play each other in the Superbowl. The NFL is all about making money and getting ratings and having shit to talk about that it coincidentally happened that the brothers will face off in the biggest money maker of the season. Then add Beyonce to the halftime show and ratings are through the roof. I don't have a clever way of remembering this but Jon Harbaugh coaches the Ravens and Jim Harbaugh coaches the 49ers. They are basically the Kardashians of football, equally as whiney and around the same amount of black men but not as much designer labels. Jim Harbaugh is definitely more intense, you'll see him with a fancy red pen around his neck usually throwing things on the sideline and with a vein popping out of his forehead. Last year a big story was "Handshakegate" (see below)

Notice the fancy red pen and the intense undoing of the tucked in sweater. The guy is wild. Plus he made a cameo on Saved by the Bell as Screech's cousin when he was younger so he's a pretty popular guy. Jon Harbaugh is the other brother. That's about all you need to know.

BELDING!!!

Colin Kaepernick: In my world, Colin Kaepernick is the poor man's Aaron Hernandez. With his helmet on, I like what I see. Full sleeve tattoos, dark skinned, tall and good at football. But once he takes the helmet off, well, that's that shit I don't like.

See what I mean...

SWAG

Stop trying to make soul patches happen, Colin

I think you're all convinced.

That other guy on the 49ers they keep talking about: The other guy on the 49ers people will talk about is Alex Smith. He is a pretty good quarterback that got a concussion early in the season and was replaced by the guy with the soul patch and hasn't played since. Basically he's like an ex that is still in your circle of friends so you have to be cordial and nice even though you broke his heart and dumped him for the bad boy with tattoos. Everyone sort of feels bad for him even though they think the guy with the tattoos is hotter too.

That should pretty much have you covered to get through the game sounding like you know what the fuck is going on. And if you can't keep up, just Instagram everything you are eating and drinking all day and everyone will know you watched a football game. #PigsInABlanket!!!!!

And if you're with guys cooking them food and watching the big game, the least they could do is tune into Animal Planet at 3pm (or 5pm or 7pm or 9pm or 11pm...) to watch some adorable puppies run around playing with plush footballs and drinking from a water bowl. If that doesn't win them over, show them this.

An Ode to the 2012 NFL Season

On the day before Superbowl Sunday, I reflect on the end of my 2012 NFL season, which has only really been two weeks but is already unbearable. 

I will not speak of the Ravens game except for this once. I thought of a new rule addendum that the NFL should consider adding. I know it was Bernard Pollard and it wouldn't have happened in any other circumstance but I think the rule should be: if a player is knocked unconscious and fumbles the ball on his own in the process, the ball should be down at the spot of the fumble. Fucking Bernard Pollard...

My first concern the minute the game was over was of course, my baby daddy Wes. I literally do not understand the issue. If I'm Kraft, this is one of the easiest decisions of my career, just fucking pay the guy. Give him a 2 year deal and give him the money. Let Bill, Tom and Wes play together for the rest of their careers. I've never had to deal with a player I love leaving my team and I don't want to start now. Wes is my favorite football player of all time and the thought of him in another uniform makes me want to vomit. I know what will make me feel better.

Nothing better than Allston.

This may come as a shock to a lot of people but I actually think I love Anna Burns. I mean, it's been years and years of jealousy but after what she said about Ray Lewis made me understand. If you missed it she wrote this on Facebook after the game

OK Ms Hooters International 2005, you got me. I loved this. Definitely a girl who likes sports. It also reminded me how well I would totally fit in as a Patriots wife. Ballsy, independent, and a little nuts. 

Ed Reed will either be playing for the Ravens or the Patriots next year and that is a fact. After hearing how much Belichick wants to make out with Ed Reed, I immediately liked him better. But after hearing about how much Ed Reed wants to bone Belichick, and now I want him on my team. I don't think the Ravens would ever let Reed go to the Patriots because they are assholes but sometimes I dream about this

There's nothing better than a player that wants to play for the team. YOU KNOW YOU'RE A SPOILED PATRIOTS FAN WHEN: everyone in the NFL wants to play for your team/coach. Some articles have been published lately about why everyone hates the Patriots and to me it's obvious, they are sick of losing. These Patriots are one of the most successful franchises in the history of sports and other teams are sick of seeing them win, and their team lose. I respect that America, if I was losing I wouldn't like to see the same guys winning all the time. I'd hate us too. Fortunately, I'm on this side of the grass and the other side looks like FedEx Field. 

Until next season, Patriots. I will miss:

Gronk with a shirt on

Ugh, those eyes

Beating the Texans

Adding Buttfumble to the dictionary

But here we are again at the depressing end of the NFL season. February-September are such dreary months. After tomorrow, I can maybe think about watching NFL Network and Sportscenter again and hope the Lakers don't cause me any more heartbreak. Here's to hoping tomorrow ends with Ray Lewis crying tears of sadness. 

What time does the Puppy Bowl start anyway? Not sure if I'm more excited about Beyonce's halftime show or the Kitty halftime show.