OK here are some things you may hear about today and what you need to know
Ray Lewis: The biggest story of the day is Ravens defensive player Ray Lewis (#52 or the guy always crying on the sidelines). He has played in the NFL for 17 years and this will be his last game. Grown men have been weeping for weeks in sadness that Ray Lewis is retiring, praising him as a spiritual, inspirational leader but what's important to note is that 13 years ago after his last Superbowl win, he stabbed and murdered 2 people in Atlanta. Basically, he agreed to a plea agreement that he would rat on his friends to get rid of the charges. So when you see him crying on the sidelines later, don't feel too too bad. And if you're a Patriots fan, you should love nothing more than to see him crying tears of sadness after losing a Superbowl in his last game.
"The Har-Bowl": So since God obviously cares about the NFL according to Ray Lewis and every other football player out there, it was in the cards this year for the two brothers head coaches, Jim and Jon Harbaugh, to play each other in the Superbowl. The NFL is all about making money and getting ratings and having shit to talk about that it coincidentally happened that the brothers will face off in the biggest money maker of the season. Then add Beyonce to the halftime show and ratings are through the roof. I don't have a clever way of remembering this but Jon Harbaugh coaches the Ravens and Jim Harbaugh coaches the 49ers. They are basically the Kardashians of football, equally as whiney and around the same amount of black men but not as much designer labels. Jim Harbaugh is definitely more intense, you'll see him with a fancy red pen around his neck usually throwing things on the sideline and with a vein popping out of his forehead. Last year a big story was "Handshakegate" (see below)
Notice the fancy red pen and the intense undoing of the tucked in sweater. The guy is wild. Plus he made a cameo on Saved by the Bell as Screech's cousin when he was younger so he's a pretty popular guy. Jon Harbaugh is the other brother. That's about all you need to know.
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| BELDING!!! |
Colin Kaepernick: In my world, Colin Kaepernick is the poor man's Aaron Hernandez. With his helmet on, I like what I see. Full sleeve tattoos, dark skinned, tall and good at football. But once he takes the helmet off, well, that's that shit I don't like.
See what I mean...
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| SWAG |
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| Stop trying to make soul patches happen, Colin |
I think you're all convinced.
That other guy on the 49ers they keep talking about: The other guy on the 49ers people will talk about is Alex Smith. He is a pretty good quarterback that got a concussion early in the season and was replaced by the guy with the soul patch and hasn't played since. Basically he's like an ex that is still in your circle of friends so you have to be cordial and nice even though you broke his heart and dumped him for the bad boy with tattoos. Everyone sort of feels bad for him even though they think the guy with the tattoos is hotter too.
That should pretty much have you covered to get through the game sounding like you know what the fuck is going on. And if you can't keep up, just Instagram everything you are eating and drinking all day and everyone will know you watched a football game. #PigsInABlanket!!!!!
And if you're with guys cooking them food and watching the big game, the least they could do is tune into Animal Planet at 3pm (or 5pm or 7pm or 9pm or 11pm...) to watch some adorable puppies run around playing with plush footballs and drinking from a water bowl. If that doesn't win them over, show them this.
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