sorry but if you like Lebron now you're a bigger bitch than Lebron

So how boring has life been since football ended for everyone else? It's almost as if the TV gods schedule programming around me because this much Bachelor, Kardashians and Girls would not be possible during football season.

Meanwhile, I spend every day waiting for that "BREAKING: Sources confirm Wes Welker and New England Patriots have agreed to a blah blah lots of millions blah" tweet. Like please, Bob Kraft, stop making us Massholes suffer and give him whatever the fuck he wants. You're a liar we all know right before Brady signed that new deal he was like c'mon Bobby give that little nugget his money. Wes should send Gisele into Kraft's office god knows that woman gets shit done. No one fucks with Gisele. I really don't know what I'll do if this deal doesn't get done. I guess this is what happens to you when you name your pet after an athlete...

A minor annoyance during this offseason so far has been Joe Flaccid (type Flacco into an iPhone and see what it autocorrects to) getting his gazillion dollar contract. It took me a good day or so to really let it set in that someone in the universe really woke up one day and was like "yeah you know what, that's a great idea give this man $120.6 million dollars"

"I'm the highest paid NFL player ever and I have a Fu Manchu mustache" 

Seriously what is Flacco going to use as motivation now that he finally got his contract? It's not like he actually cares about anything else besides himself. 

While we're on the Ravens, does Terrell Suggs have to keep forcing us to pay attention to him and his gums? If you missed anything he said or just don't give a shit what Terrell Suggs said read about how he "guarantees the other 31 teams hate the New England Patriots". Again, not sure why we need all the teams to like us. It's the NFL not the Bachelor house. We get it, you're sick of hearing about how good the Patriots are. That must be so exhausting for you. And I know you think all 31 other teams hate the Patriots but why don't you ask Ed Reed how he feels? 

But really, are those gum implants?

I really just think what the world has been missing since football ended is Gronk. Where the fuck has Gronk even been? Besides a few expensive bar tabs and shirtless dancing in Vegas, there has definitely been a lack of Gronk so far. I know it's only March but I expected more from you Gronk. Starting to miss you just as much as I miss that other tight end on the Patriots...

I've haven't been watching a ton of basketball lately because it's really not as fun when the Lakers suck.   Nothing good even happens except when Kobe has a highlight throwback dunk or Serge Ibaka hits someone in the balls.

Ugh, Kobe has this unbelievable talent for being extremely cocky and arrogant but being honest and 100% correct at the same time. I think it has something to do with plays like this:

Honestly he's so right comparing himself to a fine wine because for me, he's definitely getting better with age. "Old" Kobe is quickly rivaling 17 year old Kobe for my favorite version of Kobe. If I ever develop a debilitating knee injury, I'm definitely heading to Germany for whatever surgery Kobe had. Those German knees have to be bionic or something. Maybe Kobe's recent success has to do with Queen of the Gold Diggers Vanessa Bryant. Either Kobe's been keeping it in his pants lately or Vanessa got her hands on the black card because they've never looked happier and he's never been better.

I focus so much on Kobe mostly because I love him more than any other athlete in the world but also because I'm still so sick of hearing about Lebron. I get it, we've all stopped calling Lebron a bitch because he finally won 1 ring (10 years later....) but if you actually like Lebron, you are a bitch. I feel like most of us are walking around with a deep hatred of Lebron that's only being suppressed since he's been playing out of his mind lately. No one denies that Lebron is a good basketball player, he's just so douchey and wears the weirdest shit that you have to hate him. If you root for Lebron James/have a Lebron James jersey/are a Miami Heat fan I have no respect for you.

I'm sorry but WTF is this

I'd like to smash this violin over your head Lebron

And now I go back to refreshing my Twitter feed every 5 seconds looking for that Wes Welker tweet...

Guide to Surviving the Superbowl

If you're not a girl who actually likes sports yet, you made need a few tips for getting through today without sounding like you are only watching for the Beyonce concert and a few commercials. No one is more annoying at a Superbowl party than the girl yelling at everyone to be quiet during commercial breaks and chatting it up during the actual game. For me getting through the Superbowl will consist of Patron shots and watching clips from the Puppy Bowl so I don't go on a verbal rant about how Ray Lewis.

OK here are some things you may hear about today and what you need to know

Ray Lewis: The biggest story of the day is Ravens defensive player Ray Lewis (#52 or the guy always crying on the sidelines). He has played in the NFL for 17 years and this will be his last game. Grown men have been weeping for weeks in sadness that Ray Lewis is retiring, praising him as a spiritual, inspirational leader but what's important to note is that 13 years ago after his last Superbowl win, he stabbed and murdered 2 people in Atlanta. Basically, he agreed to a plea agreement that he would rat on his friends to get rid of the charges. So when you see him crying on the sidelines later, don't feel too too bad. And if you're a Patriots fan, you should love nothing more than to see him crying tears of sadness after losing a Superbowl in his last game.

"The Har-Bowl": So since God obviously cares about the NFL according to Ray Lewis and every other football player out there, it was in the cards this year for the two brothers head coaches, Jim and Jon Harbaugh, to play each other in the Superbowl. The NFL is all about making money and getting ratings and having shit to talk about that it coincidentally happened that the brothers will face off in the biggest money maker of the season. Then add Beyonce to the halftime show and ratings are through the roof. I don't have a clever way of remembering this but Jon Harbaugh coaches the Ravens and Jim Harbaugh coaches the 49ers. They are basically the Kardashians of football, equally as whiney and around the same amount of black men but not as much designer labels. Jim Harbaugh is definitely more intense, you'll see him with a fancy red pen around his neck usually throwing things on the sideline and with a vein popping out of his forehead. Last year a big story was "Handshakegate" (see below)

Notice the fancy red pen and the intense undoing of the tucked in sweater. The guy is wild. Plus he made a cameo on Saved by the Bell as Screech's cousin when he was younger so he's a pretty popular guy. Jon Harbaugh is the other brother. That's about all you need to know.

BELDING!!!

Colin Kaepernick: In my world, Colin Kaepernick is the poor man's Aaron Hernandez. With his helmet on, I like what I see. Full sleeve tattoos, dark skinned, tall and good at football. But once he takes the helmet off, well, that's that shit I don't like.

See what I mean...

SWAG

Stop trying to make soul patches happen, Colin

I think you're all convinced.

That other guy on the 49ers they keep talking about: The other guy on the 49ers people will talk about is Alex Smith. He is a pretty good quarterback that got a concussion early in the season and was replaced by the guy with the soul patch and hasn't played since. Basically he's like an ex that is still in your circle of friends so you have to be cordial and nice even though you broke his heart and dumped him for the bad boy with tattoos. Everyone sort of feels bad for him even though they think the guy with the tattoos is hotter too.

That should pretty much have you covered to get through the game sounding like you know what the fuck is going on. And if you can't keep up, just Instagram everything you are eating and drinking all day and everyone will know you watched a football game. #PigsInABlanket!!!!!

And if you're with guys cooking them food and watching the big game, the least they could do is tune into Animal Planet at 3pm (or 5pm or 7pm or 9pm or 11pm...) to watch some adorable puppies run around playing with plush footballs and drinking from a water bowl. If that doesn't win them over, show them this.

An Ode to the 2012 NFL Season

On the day before Superbowl Sunday, I reflect on the end of my 2012 NFL season, which has only really been two weeks but is already unbearable. 

I will not speak of the Ravens game except for this once. I thought of a new rule addendum that the NFL should consider adding. I know it was Bernard Pollard and it wouldn't have happened in any other circumstance but I think the rule should be: if a player is knocked unconscious and fumbles the ball on his own in the process, the ball should be down at the spot of the fumble. Fucking Bernard Pollard...

My first concern the minute the game was over was of course, my baby daddy Wes. I literally do not understand the issue. If I'm Kraft, this is one of the easiest decisions of my career, just fucking pay the guy. Give him a 2 year deal and give him the money. Let Bill, Tom and Wes play together for the rest of their careers. I've never had to deal with a player I love leaving my team and I don't want to start now. Wes is my favorite football player of all time and the thought of him in another uniform makes me want to vomit. I know what will make me feel better.

Nothing better than Allston.

This may come as a shock to a lot of people but I actually think I love Anna Burns. I mean, it's been years and years of jealousy but after what she said about Ray Lewis made me understand. If you missed it she wrote this on Facebook after the game

OK Ms Hooters International 2005, you got me. I loved this. Definitely a girl who likes sports. It also reminded me how well I would totally fit in as a Patriots wife. Ballsy, independent, and a little nuts. 

Ed Reed will either be playing for the Ravens or the Patriots next year and that is a fact. After hearing how much Belichick wants to make out with Ed Reed, I immediately liked him better. But after hearing about how much Ed Reed wants to bone Belichick, and now I want him on my team. I don't think the Ravens would ever let Reed go to the Patriots because they are assholes but sometimes I dream about this

There's nothing better than a player that wants to play for the team. YOU KNOW YOU'RE A SPOILED PATRIOTS FAN WHEN: everyone in the NFL wants to play for your team/coach. Some articles have been published lately about why everyone hates the Patriots and to me it's obvious, they are sick of losing. These Patriots are one of the most successful franchises in the history of sports and other teams are sick of seeing them win, and their team lose. I respect that America, if I was losing I wouldn't like to see the same guys winning all the time. I'd hate us too. Fortunately, I'm on this side of the grass and the other side looks like FedEx Field. 

Until next season, Patriots. I will miss:

Gronk with a shirt on

Ugh, those eyes

Beating the Texans

Adding Buttfumble to the dictionary

But here we are again at the depressing end of the NFL season. February-September are such dreary months. After tomorrow, I can maybe think about watching NFL Network and Sportscenter again and hope the Lakers don't cause me any more heartbreak. Here's to hoping tomorrow ends with Ray Lewis crying tears of sadness. 

What time does the Puppy Bowl start anyway? Not sure if I'm more excited about Beyonce's halftime show or the Kitty halftime show.

The Gronkpression: Part 2

So the Gronkpression continues here in New England, where we lose "Gonk" as Menino likes to call him, for another postseason.

On a serious note...who actually votes for Mumbles to continue to be the mayor of one of the biggest cities in the country? Like if Boston had any type of emergency who honestly trusts that Menino would help at all? Also I totally think he's fucking up these names on purpose now just to get his 15 minutes. Like what's next Boston, Pauly D 2013?

Back to the AFC Championship game this week against the one team I really didn't want to play. I think I would rather go to Denver against Peyton Manning than have a home game against the Ravens and Ray Lewis. I know the guy can give great pregame speeches, halftime speeches, postgame speeches, courtroom speeches, but he has the NFL totally mesmerized. Aqib Talib has been in a few fights where no one was seriously injured and he's a potential poison to a locker room. Alfonso Dennard punches a cop before the draft and falls to the 7th round. Aaron Hernandez smokes a few blunts and he has "character issues". Fucking Gronk loses the Superbowl, gets blackout and dances on a hurt ankle and people question his work ethic. But Ray Lewis was involved in the brutal stabbing and death of 2 guys and he's glorified as a charismatic and powerful team leader. You got me, NFL.

YOU REALIZE YOU ARE A SPOILED PATRIOTS FAN WHEN....is a new segment I think I can work with. This week, I realize I am a spoiled Patriots fan when...I'm thinking about how disappointed I'll be if we don't win the Superbowl. How many teams would be thrilled to make it to the AFC Championship game at home for a chance to go to the Superbowl. But here in New England, we're going to be heartbroken with anything less than a Superbowl.

The person who I think might be most heartbroken if the Patriots lose is the newest girl who likes sports, my mom. And I might be more heartbroken to not receive texts like I did last weekend from my mom. Here is the Texans game through her eyes. Yes that is a martini glass.


During a pregame interview with JJ Watt:

Wonder which Patriot she would give a Six Pack Sunday?

Not a big fan of JJ Watt would be an understatement.

All the single ladies love Stevan Ridley (her man!!) 

You know you're a spoiled Patriots fan when...

If you are the girl who likes sports that basically knows Tom Brady is married to Gisele, Lance Armstrong confessed to Oprah about using steroids and Tim Tebow is a virgin, you may have been hearing about this online dating hoax. Now to some of us, this story is nothing more than an average Monday night at 11pm but believe it or not, to a lot of other people out there, this is a huge deal. 

To explain it simply, a good football player was having a great season all while struggling through an inspirational story of his grandmother and then his girlfriend passing away within a one day period. The story goes that this good football player, Manti Te'o (turn on Sportscenter for 20 minutes and you'll hear how it's pronounced), met a beautiful girl online and started sexting and tweeting at each other until they decided to make it official. Then this girl gets in a car accident and finds out she has cancer. They fall asleep on the phone together every night and when she dies, he plays in her honor and  is in the running for the best individual award in college football. Then, his team loses in the championship, another guy wins the award and someone finally actually fucking googles this girl. Like seriously, articles were being published in the biggest magazines and reporters we're writing about this story for months and no one bothered to even google the girl. Finally, someone (probably Nev Schulman) looks into it a little and finds out this girl totally doesn't exist. It's exactly like every episode of Catfish where you find yourself screaming at the TV like HELP THESE PEOPLE NEV!! (everyone does that right?)

So now it turns out that one of this guy's friends who coincidentally got in a car accident a few months before, definitely did it and no one is sure if he knew about it or not. So now you know. For more information on this, head here.

There are four teams left in the hunt for Superbowl 47, San Francisco, Atlanta, Baltimore and New England. If you're a fan of any of these teams, it's a very exciting time of year. And if you're not a fan of one of those teams, well, it must suck to suck. 

Right Lil' Joe!?!?

PLAYOFFS?! TALKING ABOUT PLAYOFFS!?

Just a few thoughts before the NFL playoffs begin and I become more and more unstable. I really appreciate the Patriots bye week for allowing me one relaxing weekend in the month of January. Shit's about to get real.

Wild Card Weekend starts now so obviously it's going to be a little wild. Nervous to see who the Patriots will play next week since I can actually imagine them playing any team left. I think if I have to choose I would choose Houston since I think the Patriots prepared hardest earlier in the season for them and while I don't think the game would go the same way it went last time, I think the Patriots would pull out the win. I would least likely want to play the Ravens because I don't think there's anything Ray Lewis would enjoy more than beating Tom Brady at home then retiring. Also no more Bernard Pollard...please no more.

These are my predictions for the next few weeks and I expect to be totally wrong on most of them. Also obviously I have the Patriots winning the Superbowl and you're on something if you think I wasn't going to do that.

Texans over Bengals
Packers over Vikings
Baltimore over Indy
Seattle over Washington
Denver over Baltimore
Patriots over Texans
Seattle over Atlanta
49ers over Packers
Patriots over Denver
49ers over Seattle
Patriots over 49ers

These are also some randomly selected players I think will have an impact in the playoffs. This is only so that if any of these people have good games I'll get to brag that I know everything about sports.

• Geno Atkins
• Reggie Wayne
• AJ Green
• Champ Bailey
• Torrey Smith
• Vince Wilfork
• Alfred Morris
• Charles Woodson
• Danny Woodhead
• Russell Wilson
• Von Miller

The state of the Patriots entering the playoffs:

Let's make out

Although they've reverted a little backwards in the last few weeks, especially against Jacksonville, I like this Patriots defense. I like the mix of rookies with a great work ethic (Dennard, Jones, Francis, Hightower) and these well-respected veteran leaders (Wilfork, Mayo, Gregory, Ninkovich) and adding in those extra special guys like Talib and McCourty at safety. If the Patriots can start the playoffs with a healthy Dennard and Talib at corner, McCourty and Gregory/Chung at safety, linebackers Mayo, Spikes and Hightower, Wilfork and a healthier Ninkovich, Chandler Jones on the D-line...I think they've got a pretty good shot. For the past few years we've been hearing how the Patriots defense is in transition but I think this year is as good as any for them to pull it all together. Plus Gronk needs to win a Superbowl. It's been a boring year without Gronk doing anything too crazy but find me someone who wouldn't love to see how Gronk celebrates a Superbowl win since we know how he celebrates a Superbowl loss:

And then this video for good measure to get us all on a more positive note after talking about last year.

This is the difference between the Patriots and some of the other NFL franchises. How are the Giants, Steelers, Saints and Cowboys at home working on their new Citizens watch and Head & Shoulder's commercials and the Patriots are waiting for the next opponent. With all of the firings on Black Monday, it really should make Patriots fans thankful for Bill and that gorgeous hat he's been wearing.

GO PATRIOTS!!! 

twinsies!!!

Haters Gonna Hate

OK I know the Lakers look terrible right now and I don't really have a right to complain but that hasn't stopped me before so here goes.

Anyone saying that the Clippers have surpassed the Lakers as LA's team needs to be checked into a mental institution. After they make this ridiculous and incredibly false statement, the camera pans to the 16 Laker banners hanging from the rafters at a Clippers "home game". The Clippers are having the first good year they've EVER had and some crackheads are trying to say the people of LA have left one of the best franchises in the history of sports to be a fan of a team that has never won anything? That's an insult to Laker fans. I live in Boston and I can tell you the answer to that question. As they flash the national schedule and I see 3 Laker games on in the next week so let's all just be real about LA's team.

Most awkward tweet of the game so far..

Club Lakers ‏@clublakers

Odom played 40 seconds, shuffles off drenched with sweat and panting.

Also I'm not sure if anyone has noticed but the Clippers entire bench is recycled Lakers. Matt Barnes, Lamar Odom, Ronny Turiaf, Chris Paul (hey he was a Laker for a day). These guys want to be near the Lakers so bad they'll share an arena with them. I always wonder if the Lakers are in their home locker rooms during Clipper "home games" or if they let the Clippers have a little excitement for the night.

Ronny Turiaf is on a whole other level of weird with that goatee and fist pumping dance. Chill bro. And since when does Matt Barnes want to be a shooter? Speaking of Matt Barnes, this is one of my all time FAVORITE Kobe moments:

Kobe activated his twitter account today so I'm going to go back to refreshing his profile waiting for another word from the black mamba...

Six Pack Sunday #7: AP, AD, MVP, whatever you want to call him

OK ladies, some of these guys I've been identifying are under the radar bachelors but this week I thought I'd make sure everyone, male and female, was aware of the greatness that is Adrian Peterson before the NFL season is over.

Sure he may break the single season rushing record with 208 yards today in week 17 but he also may break a million hearts all over the world with this smile.

For anyone not too familiar with Adrian Peterson (or A.D. "All Day", A.P, or as I like to call him this year, MVP), he is going to go down as one of the NFL's best running backs. And that smile is really beautiful when you consider some of the hardships that AP has suffered. At 7, Peterson watched as his older brother and best friend was killed by a drunk driver. He then turned to his father (who gave him the nickname "all day") and focused all his energy on football. When he was 13, Peterson's father was sentenced to 10 years in prison on charges of money laundering in a crack cocaine ring. And then, the night before the Heisman trophy's runner up worked out for all 32 NFL teams at the Combine, his 19 year old half-brother was shot and killed. If you want to get a better look at his story, check out this E:60 piece with another girl who likes sports, Rachel Nichols.

Usually this post is all about the man meat and while Adrian Peterson is definitely that, what makes him even hotter is what he has overcome to get here. On Christmas Eve 2011, Peterson was helped off the field with a torn ACL and MCL. I don't think there was a single football fan in America that wasn't torn up a little watching such a great player get hurt like that. Peterson is fun to watch (and fun to look at). So when Peterson was back in the starting lineup week 1, 8 months after major ligament damage and reconstructive surgery on his knee, people started to wonder if AP was human. Usually players coming back from such a major surgery take a long time to return to form, especially at the runningback position, but Adrian Peterson is no usual player. Also--just a minute to mention Wes Welker who is also extremely non human and recovered in a similar amount of time--did you really think I wouldn't mention him here?

Peterson has arguably had his best season and would get my vote for Comeback Player of the Year and more importantly MVP. If you take Adrian Peterson off of the Vikings, I'm not sure they win a game. That's what MVP is all about. The award isn't best player in the NFL but most VALUABLE player and to me and many other NFL fans, Peterson is definitely the most worthy candidate.

Many attribute genetics to Peterson's quick recovery but I will also like to praise his genetics for this:

Thank god Peterson didn't damage any ab ligaments. 

As today's game approaches, I'm really rooting for him to break the rushing record so that beautiful six pack will be in the history books forever.

Also if there's anything I can do so that my New Years looks like this, let me know.