An Ode to the 2012 NFL Season

On the day before Superbowl Sunday, I reflect on the end of my 2012 NFL season, which has only really been two weeks but is already unbearable. 

I will not speak of the Ravens game except for this once. I thought of a new rule addendum that the NFL should consider adding. I know it was Bernard Pollard and it wouldn't have happened in any other circumstance but I think the rule should be: if a player is knocked unconscious and fumbles the ball on his own in the process, the ball should be down at the spot of the fumble. Fucking Bernard Pollard...

My first concern the minute the game was over was of course, my baby daddy Wes. I literally do not understand the issue. If I'm Kraft, this is one of the easiest decisions of my career, just fucking pay the guy. Give him a 2 year deal and give him the money. Let Bill, Tom and Wes play together for the rest of their careers. I've never had to deal with a player I love leaving my team and I don't want to start now. Wes is my favorite football player of all time and the thought of him in another uniform makes me want to vomit. I know what will make me feel better.

Nothing better than Allston.

This may come as a shock to a lot of people but I actually think I love Anna Burns. I mean, it's been years and years of jealousy but after what she said about Ray Lewis made me understand. If you missed it she wrote this on Facebook after the game

OK Ms Hooters International 2005, you got me. I loved this. Definitely a girl who likes sports. It also reminded me how well I would totally fit in as a Patriots wife. Ballsy, independent, and a little nuts. 

Ed Reed will either be playing for the Ravens or the Patriots next year and that is a fact. After hearing how much Belichick wants to make out with Ed Reed, I immediately liked him better. But after hearing about how much Ed Reed wants to bone Belichick, and now I want him on my team. I don't think the Ravens would ever let Reed go to the Patriots because they are assholes but sometimes I dream about this

There's nothing better than a player that wants to play for the team. YOU KNOW YOU'RE A SPOILED PATRIOTS FAN WHEN: everyone in the NFL wants to play for your team/coach. Some articles have been published lately about why everyone hates the Patriots and to me it's obvious, they are sick of losing. These Patriots are one of the most successful franchises in the history of sports and other teams are sick of seeing them win, and their team lose. I respect that America, if I was losing I wouldn't like to see the same guys winning all the time. I'd hate us too. Fortunately, I'm on this side of the grass and the other side looks like FedEx Field. 

Until next season, Patriots. I will miss:

Gronk with a shirt on

Ugh, those eyes

Beating the Texans

Adding Buttfumble to the dictionary

But here we are again at the depressing end of the NFL season. February-September are such dreary months. After tomorrow, I can maybe think about watching NFL Network and Sportscenter again and hope the Lakers don't cause me any more heartbreak. Here's to hoping tomorrow ends with Ray Lewis crying tears of sadness. 

What time does the Puppy Bowl start anyway? Not sure if I'm more excited about Beyonce's halftime show or the Kitty halftime show.

The Gronkpression: Part 2

So the Gronkpression continues here in New England, where we lose "Gonk" as Menino likes to call him, for another postseason.

On a serious note...who actually votes for Mumbles to continue to be the mayor of one of the biggest cities in the country? Like if Boston had any type of emergency who honestly trusts that Menino would help at all? Also I totally think he's fucking up these names on purpose now just to get his 15 minutes. Like what's next Boston, Pauly D 2013?

Back to the AFC Championship game this week against the one team I really didn't want to play. I think I would rather go to Denver against Peyton Manning than have a home game against the Ravens and Ray Lewis. I know the guy can give great pregame speeches, halftime speeches, postgame speeches, courtroom speeches, but he has the NFL totally mesmerized. Aqib Talib has been in a few fights where no one was seriously injured and he's a potential poison to a locker room. Alfonso Dennard punches a cop before the draft and falls to the 7th round. Aaron Hernandez smokes a few blunts and he has "character issues". Fucking Gronk loses the Superbowl, gets blackout and dances on a hurt ankle and people question his work ethic. But Ray Lewis was involved in the brutal stabbing and death of 2 guys and he's glorified as a charismatic and powerful team leader. You got me, NFL.

YOU REALIZE YOU ARE A SPOILED PATRIOTS FAN WHEN....is a new segment I think I can work with. This week, I realize I am a spoiled Patriots fan when...I'm thinking about how disappointed I'll be if we don't win the Superbowl. How many teams would be thrilled to make it to the AFC Championship game at home for a chance to go to the Superbowl. But here in New England, we're going to be heartbroken with anything less than a Superbowl.

The person who I think might be most heartbroken if the Patriots lose is the newest girl who likes sports, my mom. And I might be more heartbroken to not receive texts like I did last weekend from my mom. Here is the Texans game through her eyes. Yes that is a martini glass.


During a pregame interview with JJ Watt:

Wonder which Patriot she would give a Six Pack Sunday?

Not a big fan of JJ Watt would be an understatement.

All the single ladies love Stevan Ridley (her man!!) 

You know you're a spoiled Patriots fan when...

If you are the girl who likes sports that basically knows Tom Brady is married to Gisele, Lance Armstrong confessed to Oprah about using steroids and Tim Tebow is a virgin, you may have been hearing about this online dating hoax. Now to some of us, this story is nothing more than an average Monday night at 11pm but believe it or not, to a lot of other people out there, this is a huge deal. 

To explain it simply, a good football player was having a great season all while struggling through an inspirational story of his grandmother and then his girlfriend passing away within a one day period. The story goes that this good football player, Manti Te'o (turn on Sportscenter for 20 minutes and you'll hear how it's pronounced), met a beautiful girl online and started sexting and tweeting at each other until they decided to make it official. Then this girl gets in a car accident and finds out she has cancer. They fall asleep on the phone together every night and when she dies, he plays in her honor and  is in the running for the best individual award in college football. Then, his team loses in the championship, another guy wins the award and someone finally actually fucking googles this girl. Like seriously, articles were being published in the biggest magazines and reporters we're writing about this story for months and no one bothered to even google the girl. Finally, someone (probably Nev Schulman) looks into it a little and finds out this girl totally doesn't exist. It's exactly like every episode of Catfish where you find yourself screaming at the TV like HELP THESE PEOPLE NEV!! (everyone does that right?)

So now it turns out that one of this guy's friends who coincidentally got in a car accident a few months before, definitely did it and no one is sure if he knew about it or not. So now you know. For more information on this, head here.

There are four teams left in the hunt for Superbowl 47, San Francisco, Atlanta, Baltimore and New England. If you're a fan of any of these teams, it's a very exciting time of year. And if you're not a fan of one of those teams, well, it must suck to suck. 

Right Lil' Joe!?!?

PLAYOFFS?! TALKING ABOUT PLAYOFFS!?

Just a few thoughts before the NFL playoffs begin and I become more and more unstable. I really appreciate the Patriots bye week for allowing me one relaxing weekend in the month of January. Shit's about to get real.

Wild Card Weekend starts now so obviously it's going to be a little wild. Nervous to see who the Patriots will play next week since I can actually imagine them playing any team left. I think if I have to choose I would choose Houston since I think the Patriots prepared hardest earlier in the season for them and while I don't think the game would go the same way it went last time, I think the Patriots would pull out the win. I would least likely want to play the Ravens because I don't think there's anything Ray Lewis would enjoy more than beating Tom Brady at home then retiring. Also no more Bernard Pollard...please no more.

These are my predictions for the next few weeks and I expect to be totally wrong on most of them. Also obviously I have the Patriots winning the Superbowl and you're on something if you think I wasn't going to do that.

Texans over Bengals
Packers over Vikings
Baltimore over Indy
Seattle over Washington
Denver over Baltimore
Patriots over Texans
Seattle over Atlanta
49ers over Packers
Patriots over Denver
49ers over Seattle
Patriots over 49ers

These are also some randomly selected players I think will have an impact in the playoffs. This is only so that if any of these people have good games I'll get to brag that I know everything about sports.

• Geno Atkins
• Reggie Wayne
• AJ Green
• Champ Bailey
• Torrey Smith
• Vince Wilfork
• Alfred Morris
• Charles Woodson
• Danny Woodhead
• Russell Wilson
• Von Miller

The state of the Patriots entering the playoffs:

Let's make out

Although they've reverted a little backwards in the last few weeks, especially against Jacksonville, I like this Patriots defense. I like the mix of rookies with a great work ethic (Dennard, Jones, Francis, Hightower) and these well-respected veteran leaders (Wilfork, Mayo, Gregory, Ninkovich) and adding in those extra special guys like Talib and McCourty at safety. If the Patriots can start the playoffs with a healthy Dennard and Talib at corner, McCourty and Gregory/Chung at safety, linebackers Mayo, Spikes and Hightower, Wilfork and a healthier Ninkovich, Chandler Jones on the D-line...I think they've got a pretty good shot. For the past few years we've been hearing how the Patriots defense is in transition but I think this year is as good as any for them to pull it all together. Plus Gronk needs to win a Superbowl. It's been a boring year without Gronk doing anything too crazy but find me someone who wouldn't love to see how Gronk celebrates a Superbowl win since we know how he celebrates a Superbowl loss:

And then this video for good measure to get us all on a more positive note after talking about last year.

This is the difference between the Patriots and some of the other NFL franchises. How are the Giants, Steelers, Saints and Cowboys at home working on their new Citizens watch and Head & Shoulder's commercials and the Patriots are waiting for the next opponent. With all of the firings on Black Monday, it really should make Patriots fans thankful for Bill and that gorgeous hat he's been wearing.

GO PATRIOTS!!! 

twinsies!!!

Haters Gonna Hate

OK I know the Lakers look terrible right now and I don't really have a right to complain but that hasn't stopped me before so here goes.

Anyone saying that the Clippers have surpassed the Lakers as LA's team needs to be checked into a mental institution. After they make this ridiculous and incredibly false statement, the camera pans to the 16 Laker banners hanging from the rafters at a Clippers "home game". The Clippers are having the first good year they've EVER had and some crackheads are trying to say the people of LA have left one of the best franchises in the history of sports to be a fan of a team that has never won anything? That's an insult to Laker fans. I live in Boston and I can tell you the answer to that question. As they flash the national schedule and I see 3 Laker games on in the next week so let's all just be real about LA's team.

Most awkward tweet of the game so far..

Club Lakers ‏@clublakers

Odom played 40 seconds, shuffles off drenched with sweat and panting.

Also I'm not sure if anyone has noticed but the Clippers entire bench is recycled Lakers. Matt Barnes, Lamar Odom, Ronny Turiaf, Chris Paul (hey he was a Laker for a day). These guys want to be near the Lakers so bad they'll share an arena with them. I always wonder if the Lakers are in their home locker rooms during Clipper "home games" or if they let the Clippers have a little excitement for the night.

Ronny Turiaf is on a whole other level of weird with that goatee and fist pumping dance. Chill bro. And since when does Matt Barnes want to be a shooter? Speaking of Matt Barnes, this is one of my all time FAVORITE Kobe moments:

Kobe activated his twitter account today so I'm going to go back to refreshing his profile waiting for another word from the black mamba...

Six Pack Sunday #7: AP, AD, MVP, whatever you want to call him

OK ladies, some of these guys I've been identifying are under the radar bachelors but this week I thought I'd make sure everyone, male and female, was aware of the greatness that is Adrian Peterson before the NFL season is over.

Sure he may break the single season rushing record with 208 yards today in week 17 but he also may break a million hearts all over the world with this smile.

For anyone not too familiar with Adrian Peterson (or A.D. "All Day", A.P, or as I like to call him this year, MVP), he is going to go down as one of the NFL's best running backs. And that smile is really beautiful when you consider some of the hardships that AP has suffered. At 7, Peterson watched as his older brother and best friend was killed by a drunk driver. He then turned to his father (who gave him the nickname "all day") and focused all his energy on football. When he was 13, Peterson's father was sentenced to 10 years in prison on charges of money laundering in a crack cocaine ring. And then, the night before the Heisman trophy's runner up worked out for all 32 NFL teams at the Combine, his 19 year old half-brother was shot and killed. If you want to get a better look at his story, check out this E:60 piece with another girl who likes sports, Rachel Nichols.

Usually this post is all about the man meat and while Adrian Peterson is definitely that, what makes him even hotter is what he has overcome to get here. On Christmas Eve 2011, Peterson was helped off the field with a torn ACL and MCL. I don't think there was a single football fan in America that wasn't torn up a little watching such a great player get hurt like that. Peterson is fun to watch (and fun to look at). So when Peterson was back in the starting lineup week 1, 8 months after major ligament damage and reconstructive surgery on his knee, people started to wonder if AP was human. Usually players coming back from such a major surgery take a long time to return to form, especially at the runningback position, but Adrian Peterson is no usual player. Also--just a minute to mention Wes Welker who is also extremely non human and recovered in a similar amount of time--did you really think I wouldn't mention him here?

Peterson has arguably had his best season and would get my vote for Comeback Player of the Year and more importantly MVP. If you take Adrian Peterson off of the Vikings, I'm not sure they win a game. That's what MVP is all about. The award isn't best player in the NFL but most VALUABLE player and to me and many other NFL fans, Peterson is definitely the most worthy candidate.

Many attribute genetics to Peterson's quick recovery but I will also like to praise his genetics for this:

Thank god Peterson didn't damage any ab ligaments. 

As today's game approaches, I'm really rooting for him to break the rushing record so that beautiful six pack will be in the history books forever.

Also if there's anything I can do so that my New Years looks like this, let me know.

Six Pack Sunday #6: A Surprise

This Six Pack Sunday is dedicated to all of the older ladies who like sports. Today's honoree definitely has a six pack though I have no desire to every actually see it: Ed Hochuli. I have to admit I was struggling to choose today's pick but about 2 minutes into the SNF game, I had an epiphany.

After the replacement ref fiasco earlier in the season, I was on Team Hochuli. How could you not be...he's a premiere athlete, successful lawyer and ultimate professional. But the quality most of us love most is his eloquent and beautifully crafted explanations. If you are not a well versed football fan, watch this.

Hey listen, if you don't understand the overtime rules completely after that I don't know what's wrong with you. While tonight's Patriots Niners game has been an atrocious display of Ed Hochuli's officiating skills, it might have a little to do with the fact that he's been forced to cancel the gun show that is normally displayed in all the big moments.

I mean come on look at those bad boys. Favorite gem of the night occurred in the 25 minute debate of the Ted Ginn Jr. where Hochuli articulately explained what happened "back there". Also, is he high or have his eyes just been closed this whole game? Must explain the numerous missed calls including the interference calls not made on Wes before that pick by Rogers as well as the PI in the end zone on Branch. I'll stop whining now and let you enjoy this Ed Hochuli themed drinking game for the rest of SNF.

All I Want for Christmas is for the Lakers to Stop Sucking

On the bright side, there's only way to go from here. The Lakers cannot get any worse. The thing that's pissing me off the most though is these fuckers are wasting Kobe's glory years. He could be the Tom Brady of basketball if Dwight Howard could make a free throw and anyone actually gave a shit. Whatever happens to this team you better believe Kobe Bryant is not going to go out without a fight.

I know I'm biased but I'm pretty sick of Hack-a-Dwight or whatever you losers want to call it. Some people actually want to watch a basketball game and not drunk people waving around balloons the whole game. I get it, if Dwight made the FT's no one would do it but it's stupid. It's basically admitting the only way to stop Dwight Howard is to physically restrain him and while I like that notion, I just want to see them play. And I know that us Laker fans are not supposed to use the whole "we don't have a starting or backup PG" argument but we don't. Not to mention that PG is Steve Nash, one of the best point guards in the NBA, even at 65 or however old he is. AND they're missing Pau Gasol who has obviously been injured (sure wish we could trade that silver medal Pau). Without those 2 key pieces on this roster, there's no way the Lakers are going to look like the Lakers. Don't get me wrong, they have looked bored and also terrible but it's frustrating that injuries have to be a part of it.

Alas, there's always the Patriots.

I keep hearing the story line about the Patriots killing the Jets 45-3 on MNF then losing to them in the playoffs and is that going to happen again blah blah nonsense. We know the Texans still would have Arian Foster and Andre Johnson and that it was a tough game to win despite the score. The Patriots prepared and put in 100% effort and that's exactly what happens when this group of guys does that. The thing that makes me feel less concerned about the Texans is yes, now they have a whole tape of what the Patriots did to them but we're also working without perhaps the best tight end/red zone target in the NFL. The game plan is different with Gronk in the game and that's when the Patriots really get to do what they want (which is scary for the rest of the NFL).

Another tough week coming up for the Patriots, who will take on the 49ers at Gillette Stadium for Sunday Night Football. I fully intend on getting pumped up for this game by aggressively doing my karaoke version of the Faith Hill SNF theme in front of the TV. I'll let everyone take a second to enjoy that visual.

This game scares me based on how physical San Francisco is and I honestly cannot handle any more injuries this season. I hope the Patriots can show up and out-physical the 49ers and put on the type of performance they did last week. The key, in my opinion, will be stopping Kaepernick and preventing him from getting those big runs. There's nothing I love more than a man covered in tattoos but that is one man in tattoos I do not want to see in the end zone. Let's hope the defense can be as physical and dominating as they were against the Texans because if they aren't, they aren't going to win.

Oh and for those who were wondering, this is indeed me in the NFL mobile commercial:

It's refreshing to think that somewhere out there, there are more girls who like sports that wear dresses and eat ice cream on the couch with their cats...